What you are about to read can be enjoyed by everyone, but is targeted towards all those dudes out there who really should get a vasectomy, but are reluctant to do so.
Who NEEDS a vasectomy you ask? Well, if you have already sired a child and you aren’t planning to be involved in the child’s life, then you definitely need one. If you have sired four or more children, then you for sure need one. And if you really enjoy getting it on, but don’t plan on having children, then you are also a prime candidate for one.
I’ll tell you about my great experience, but first let me dispel the common concerns that dudes have.
1) I’ll be less of a man if I can’t get women pregnant – Besides the fact that if you really believe this, that you probably aren’t much of a man to begin with, the truth is in fact the direct opposite. If you cannot get women pregnant, you are more than an average man, you are a super hero! With the power to knock boots without planting your seed. Think about it, you could do it without a condom in most cases. Pretty sweet!
2) I’m worried that I won’t cum as much – I’m not fibbing when I say that I’ve heard this more than once, as weird as it is. I don’t really see why this would even be an issue (unless you are in porn), but let me assure you that it is not the case. I can still shoot ropes.
3) I’m concerned that something bad will happen during the surgery – I’ll speak more to this later, but keep in mind that a vasectomy barely even counts as surgery. In the past, the procedure was done with dudes fully awake with only a localized numbing agent. Pretty f’ed up if you ask me, but the whole thing is completed very very quickly. And you don’t have to be awake, there is no way I’d do that! I’ll be honest and say that I was pretty nervous before my vasectomy, but there was no reason for it at all. More on that soon.
4) I don’t want to deal with the pain – Believe me when I say that I am not into pain at all. I whine about my muscles hurting after I do exercises. So you can totally take my word for it when I say that the pain afterward really isn’t too bad. Not only do you get awesome drugs, but you get to take a day off and sit around and have people feel bad for you. I got out of swimming lessons with the kid once after mine, and Suse actually babied me (for like a minute, but still). Think about the brownie points fellas!
Now before I share my experience, I’ll point out the few bad parts.
1) You are not supposed to bust a nut for a week or two. I forget what they said would happen, but I only made it one week and nothing bad happened to me.
2) You have to get your spunk checked a month or so after the procedure and then again the following year. Totally a pain in the butt, because you have to go to one of those testing facilities will they treat you like shit. On the upside though, you get to jerk it into a cup and then hand your jizz to someone.
3) It’s not free. But with insurance it is almost free. I think I paid a couple hundred bucks out of pocket. Some plans probably cover the entire thing.
That’s it! Still not convinced? Let me lay my deats on you.
About two years after our daughter was born, I started bugging Suse to stop breast feeding so that we could get the nookie train fired up again. She was willing, but we were both nervous about her getting knocked up a second time. We are both “one and done” types when it comes to kids.
So Suse was willing to let me check her off my to do list, but she insisted on the vasectomy first. Initially I was concerned with some of the dumb stuff listed at the beginning of this post, but it didn’t take long for me to come around. First step was to get an appointment with a urologist.
The dude I saw was nice, and I didn’t have to sit in the waiting room for a long time or anything. I can’t remember for sure if he had to look at my junk, but I’m pretty sure that he did. I’m not shy, so I wouldn’t have minded either way. What I do remember is that after he explained the procedure (which I didn’t really pay much attention to) that he got serious and said to me –
“I have to tell you that I have done several vasectomies for men who end up divorced and then married to a younger woman (classic!) who wants kids. They then ask me to reverse the vasectomy, and it can’t always be done. So you have to be honest with yourself before you go through with it.”
I myself was fully confident that this would not be the case for me (for one, I’ll have Suse assassinated before we get a divorce) but I also feel like once you have one family, it could be considered kind of shitty to have a second one. You know there will be all kinds of issues, and also I really believe that there should be a limit on how many little versions of yourself that you can create.
Anyway, I locked down the appointment for the procedure which would take place at a third party independent facility. First appointment of the day. The piece of paper they gave me that covered what would happen and what I needed to do beforehand mentioned that I shouldn’t eat because I would be given twilight sedation (THE BEST!) and that I should be freshly showered (duh!) and that I should shave my bag if I could. Not an issue for me, because I feel like no one really likes hairy nuts, but how bad do you feel for the professional who has to shave an unconscious dude’s sack?
Like I mentioned before, I was nervous but I was fine. Suse dropped me off, and they told her to come back and grab me after two hours or so. I waited for a minute in the waiting room and filled out the paperwork and was then called to the back where I dressed in a gown (the kind were your butt hangs out) and sat on the bed and waited while a few doctor-y types came and did some little things. To be honest, I can’t really remember what it was that they actually did, but it was nothing major.
Eventually, I was wheeled into the operating room and a lady gave me some gas and told me to relax. I can remember trying to hang on because of the great feelings flowing through my body, but I went out like a light. Technically with twilight sedation, I think that you are still awake, but your short term memory doesn’t work so you don’t really experience what is happening to you.
The next thing I remember was waking up sitting in a chair feeling a bit groggy and a woman gave me some water to drink and told me to stay seated. I was pretty messed up still, but I didn’t feel any pain. It was then that I realized that my dick had been taped to my body pointed straight up. I remember thinking how hilarious it was that someone had to do that as part of their job. A bit after that, Suse was there to pick me up, I got dressed and went home and got high as heckers on the pain pills. Once again, pretty sweet! About two weeks later, I was 100% again and stopped feeling any kind of pain at all. Healing after getting a big tattoo or oral surgery is much worse than healing after a vasectomy.
Since then, Suse’s and my sex life has gotten super charged and electric. Think about it, consequence and condom free sex. As much as you can handle. Boo yah!
So now that you’ve read my story, I hope that I have put your mind at ease. Dudes of the world, unless your lady is asking you to knock her up, do us all of favor and shut your reproductive system the fuck down. I promise that you’ll thank me.