One of my favorites show to watch is Firefly. Firefly is an old sci-fi show by Joss Whedon. The main premise of “space cowboys” wasn’t very popular so it wasn’t on the air long before it got canceled. But somehow, the show had, and has still, a very loyal cult following and they got a movie to close the story lines left open by the untimely end.
At least once a year I watch the entire series of fourteen episodes and the movie titled Serenity. Every time I watch it, I still go through all the emotions. I laugh at the same jokes, get angry at the same bad guys, I get surprised by the same reveals and when I’m done with the movie, I always get sad when its over. To me, the saddest line ever uttered in film is still is: I am a leaf on the wind…
By the end of September last year, I found myself so angry at the world that my emotional reactions were out of control and my anxieties were taking over my life. I had to step back, take a good look at where I was and make some serious adjustments. Starting with myself. Don’t get me wrong. I know I live a charmed life and that the bulk of my problems are self inflicted. That’s how I knew that what ever was happening could be worked on and, not necessarily fixed per say, but managed.
So I made a hair appointment and went to see my wonderful hairstylist, Rachel. That’s not her real name, but every time I go see her, I feel like I’m getting the original Rachel. She’s so awesome, I don’t even have to tell her what I want or what I need. She just grabs the comb and the scissors and goes to town!
I talked about the things that were happening to me and mentioned that I might need to get on Adderall. I’m sure most of you guys know, but if you don’t, Adderall is a drug prescribed for Adult Attention Deficit Hyperactivity disorder. If you’ve read some of my posts, you might be wondering what is taking me so long to come to this conclusion. Well, fear not, I actually came to this conclusion years ago, I just never did anything about it. Rachel laughed in my face.
“First of all,” she said. “It’s not like twenty years ago, when you could just ask for it and your doctor would happily write a scrip.”
“It’s not?” I asked
“No! First, they’re going to make you work out for twenty minutes, four times a week for at least four weeks,” she said.
“Are you serious?” I asked incredulously.
“Yeah! And you have to keep a journal of your emotions and feelings and all that crap,” she said, clipping away.
“I don’t want to deal with my emotions and feelings! That’s why I just want to pop a pill and make it better!” I laughed. She laughed too.
“Listen, you should be working out anyways. Don’t get on those pills,” she said.
“Because they do have long term damages and side effects. Working out DOES help with anxiety!”
“Yeah, but working out is hard…” I complained
“Yeah, but at least you’ll look as great as this hair cut!”
We both laughed, but when I got home I took her to task. Because she’s ten years older than me, she boxes, and she looks ten years younger than me. But also I though working out couldn’t hurt. So I started working out every day for at least forty minutes and writing how I feel on my Bee Journal. Nothing to strenuous. I did mostly just step work and lounges. I also work on my upper body strength, but I’m not doing anything like kick boxing or Orange theory. I’m not a gym going type of person. I do the exercises that I like and that I know keeping my body confortable for long enough to count. I’m back to a ten minute mile, and I’m doing push-ups again.
It’s taken six months, three very intense sessions at our couple’s therapist’s office and one big discussion with the husband, just to get here at the Valley of Serenity. The things that needed to be said were said and the things that needed to be heard, were heard. In the mean time, the world is still burning, I wrote another book, we went on two vacations, 2kicks is almost done with pre-k and we’re getting ready for summering in Montana. Life continues with it’s regularly scheduled programming.
One of my sisters came to Florida with two of my nephews and it was a joyful visit. 2kicks Loves (with a capitol “L”!) her cousins and they were the two most well behaved young men I have ever known! Even my mom friends were unbelievably impressed by their politeness. Of course with my sister and brother in law, we chatted about our family. But mostly we were just enjoying the family company, great local food and the ease in which the kids got along so well. My oldest nephew poked fun at my safari bag.
“Yo Titi! You look like Indiana Jones!” He laughed.
The beautiful weather and the good wine were just the shiny icing on the calmness that was this cake.